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26 Октября 2016

The whole point of the American investigations in one joke!

Автор: Kirill Pashkov

The whole point of the American investigations in one joke!

05.10.2016  // Фото: theatlantic.com

Something terrible has happened, a white son has been born into Barack Obama’s family. And the US Department of State press secretary Marie Harf is reporting this in a briefing.

– Marie Harf: Russia and President Putin personally are undoubtedly to blame for this incident, we have all of the evidence, but they are classified and we can’t disclose them.

– Journalist: And how would you explain the fact that, 9 months ago, Ukrainian President Poroshenko was a guest a Obama household? Is there no connection between the two events?

– MH: Absolutely unrelated. You can’t even compare the two. Besides, President Poroshenko has visited the Obama family in a personal capacity. He could have just been visiting his grandmother in the United States. Next question, please!

– How would you explain the fact that the child’s face and hair look nothing like Putin, but share an almost uncanny resemblance to Poroshenko?

– Because the child is not African American, his likeness can’t be established by the naked eye.

– So you are saying that all white people look the same?

– I didn’t say that!

– What can you say about the independent paternity test, which says that with 99,9% certainty the child’s father is Poroshenko?

– We have undeniable proof of the opposite.

– What is it?

– President Poroshenko’s statement that was uploaded to YouTube.

– And you are basing your words only on that statement?

– Of course, because it makes perfect sense: the man is innocent and honestly says so. We do not doubt the authenticity of this information.

– What if President Putin said the same thing?

– Naturally, we wouldn’t be able to trust his statement.

– Why?

– Listen, you are just spouting Moscow’s propaganda! Do you have other questions?

– What does the First Lady say of the incident herself?

– She thinks that, because the possibility of countries friendly to the United States is completely impossible, then it was undoubtedly an act of aggression from Russia and President Putin personally.

– But what does she say about the, uhm, inciting event? It is impossible not to remember it!

– Listen, I am tired of your pro-Russian jabs, next question!

– So you are convinced that Russia and Putin are to blame?

– We don’t doubt it.

– Considering that during the last year, Poroshenko has been visiting Obama’s family, the child’s complete likeness to Poroshenko and the paternity test saying it was Poroshenko and meanwhile satellite images show that Putin was about 20 thousand kilometers away from the First Lady, you still think Putin is to blame? But why though?

– My job is to voice the conclusions of our specialists and not to engage in stupid polemics. Aside from that, you underestimate the sexual prowess of the Russians, their speed and the distance they can shoot! I’ll sum it up: in order for this tragedy not to occur in every American household, we are determined to ask the world community to impose the toughest sanctions on Russia and President Putin personally.

© I don’t know the author, but I tip my hat at him.  

Translated by Pavel Shamshiev

Russian version here.

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